Unfinished Business

I just read a post from a friend on Facebook saying that one of our friends from high school died today. Well, I can't exactly say that she was *my* friend; in fact, she and I couldn't stand each other. From 5th grade on, she and some of her friends picked on me almost incessantly. Most of it was the name-calling and nasty remarks typical of childhood and teenage days, but occasionally it escalated into threats, and once or twice it got physical. She lived the next street over from me, so she rode the same bus. More than once I wound up sitting towards the back of the bus on the way home, and I remember once she and one of her friends cornered me in the seat and wouldn't let me move towards the front. I thought about getting off a stop early, but she told me that if I did, she would get off too, follow me home, and beat me up. I didn't know if she really would have or not, but the threat scared me enough that I decided not to push my luck.

I don't remember what year she dropped out of school, but I really didn't hear much from her or about her after that. I did run into her at a yard sale some time after she left school. She was holding her newborn daughter and talking to the woman who was holding the yard sale. I thought about making a quick exit, but I decided against it and browsed around till she was done talking to the homeowner. For whatever reason, I then went over and uttered a tentative, "Hi, Christine," fully expecting her to make a nasty remark as she had so many times in the past. I was completely taken aback when she gave me a sheepish smile and said, "Hi" back to me. In fact, I was so taken aback that I couldn't think of anything else to say. I admired her baby, smiled at her again, and left. That was the last time I saw her.

Fast forward 20+ years to today, when I saw this friend's post on Facebook. I can't say that Christine hasn't crossed my mind at all since then--I have thought about her from time to tiime--but I certainly don't have pleasant memories of her. So why, when I read this post, did I suddenly dissolve in tears as though she had been a close companion?

Well, I think a lot of it may have to do with the stage of my life journey that I'm in right now. Since my last semester of seminary, I have spent a lot of time coming to terms with who I am and with the things that have happened in my past. I think for me, much of the issue has to do with forgiveness and with lost opportunities to put things right. I am still working thrugh issues and hurts from my parents, and I find that I am having to deal with not being able to work things out with them because they're both gone. While I feel that I have forgiven them for many of the things they said or did that hurt me, I realize that I will never have the chance to tell them how I felt, to clear the air.

Hearing about Christine's death today has made me realize that I still have unresolved issues, unfinished business, with others from my past, including people like Christine who made my life a living hell, whether for a short time or a long time. Maybe these folks didn't know that they had hurt me so deeply, or maybe they knew and didn't care. I've heard the old adage, "Forgive and Forget," but I must admit that this is something I have a hard time doing. People may think I have forgiven those who have hurt me, or they may think I'm not easily hurt, because I am not a confrontational person. I'm one who tries to swallow the hurt instead of dealing with it. I guess I try to forget without forgiving. The problem is, I don't actually forget the hurt. It may lie buried for awhile, but eventually it surfaces again, sometimes in unexpected times or situations.  I can almost hear Dr. Phil asking, "How's that workin' for ya?" Well, Dr. Phil, it ain't workin' for me.

So where am I going with this rambling? Honestly, I'm not sure. I just know there's a lot of hurt rising to the top of my heart right now. I know I am realizing that I will never have the chance to say to Christine the things I wish I could have, things like, Why did you pick on me for all those years? Did you know, or care, that you were hurting me? Did you hate me, or was I just an easy target? If you did hate me, what did I do to make you hate me? I have to accept the fact that she cannot answer those questions now, and I just have to let that part of it go. And I know that she can't hear me say this, or read this on Facebook, but in order that I may heal from those past hurts, I need to say, "I forgive you, Christine. I release you, and I wish you peace. And if I ever did or said anything to hurt you, I hope that I have your forgiveness as well."

I am a firm believer in the idea that God uses the difficult experiences in our lives to help us learn and grow. So what I'm sensing the lesson is in this one, for me, is the fact that there are still people from my past with whom I have unfinished business. It may not be possible, or in some cases even advisable, to seek out these people and confront them. However, I do need to unbury those hurts from my past and be honest about my feelings regarding those hurts and the people who caused them so that I can work towards forgiveness and healing. Even more importantly, I am aware that I have some recent hurts caused by people with whom I still have the possibility of coming in contact. As is my way, I have tried to cut ties with these people and move ahead without actually confronting them. As in the past, or maybe even moreso now that I am aware of it, I am finding it hard to move on without resolving the issues, or at least making it clear how I feel about a given situation. Even as I write this, I have in mind some of the people I need to confront, and I don;t want to do it. But I know I must. My life is full of unfinished business--the business of the future--but I cannot tackle that business until I finish some business from the past.