Something I found in a folder from college. I have been coming across a lot of blogs/posts about self-image lately, and it made me think about this posting. So here it is.
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In the story, when the ugly duckling grew up, he became a beautiful swan, the most beautiful swan, loved and admired by all the other swans. But before he attained that undreamed-of status, he spent half his lifetime being taunted and bullied because of his ugliness. I always held dear the story of the ugly duckling, feeling a sense of empathy—even unity—with that poor, unaccepted creature.
As I was growing up, the other kids left me in no doubt about my attractiveness—or lack thereof. I endured years of being laughed at for my awkwardness, and even at times being physically attacked, all unjustifiably, I thought. And when in sixth grade I began to wear glasses, the teasing became even worse and lasted well into my high school years.
As a teenager, I never had the succession of boyfriends—or even dates—that other girls seemed to have. I didn’t have parties or go to them (I was never invited). I never kissed up to the in-crowd. Why waste the time and energy, I figured; they would never accept me anyway. So except for a few friends who weren’t part of the in-crowd either, I was pretty much a loner. As a result, I always felt pathetic, rejected, like the ugly duckling no one wanted around.
By the time I was a senior in high school, however, many of the taunts that had been aimed at me had stopped. Apparently the fun had gone out of picking on me because, as parents the world over advise their children, I had refused to act out when teased, and so my schoolmates had had to find another victim to harass. Then just before graduation, when yearbook signing became the favorite pastime, I finally began to receive some of the acceptance I had sought for so long. My yearbook began to fill up with praises regarding the nice person I was for never losing my temper when I was picked on, and kind remarks about the brave, confident person I was for being able to stand alone and never giving in to peer pressure.
In the time that has elapsed since those adolescent days, I have often wondered what those seemingly admiring classmates would have said if they could have seen inside my heart during those years. They all assumed the teasing didn’t bother me because I didn’t let on that it did; I was always able to come back with a funny wisecrack or a good-natured statement of agreement with what they had said. Little did they know that when I was agreeing with them, I was silently acknowledging that they were right. I was ugly. I was someone that no one would want to date. As for their taunts not bothering me, well, that wasn’t true either. I was just good at hiding how much it hurt. Not even my best friend or my family knew of the hundreds of silent tears that soaked my pillow at night. Tears of humiliation, pain, loneliness. Bitter tears that didn’t heal the broken heart within. Would my schoolmates have thought so highly of the girl I knew and didn’t love?
At times now, anger at their unfairness boils up within me. If they had indeed thought I was such a wonderful person, then why didn’t they show it? Why did they spend years taunting and teasing, never saying a kind word to me? Why was I never invited to parties or included in the in-crowd fun?
Now, when I run into these same people on the street during one of my short visits to the hometown, they strike up conversations with as though in high school we had been the best of friends. Of course, nice person that I am, I speak nicely, if a bit coolly, to them before going on my way. Still wishing, of course, that I possessed the confidence and satisfaction with life that I hoped I put forward.
It’s at these times that the Ugly Duckling Syndrome returns and I recall my adolescent dreams of fairy tale justice. Throughout middle school and high school, and even into college, I fervently hoped that some hand of magic or twist of fate would render me a striking beauty overnight so that by the time my class reunions rolled around I would be beautiful, as well as rich and famous—the envy of everyone in my class. Like most unrealistic fantasies, that dream has not come true. Ugly ducklings of the animal world might transform almost magically into swans, butterflies or other lovely, graceful creatures, but ugly ducklings of the human variety don’t seem to do so. At least I didn’t. At least not in my eyes.
There have been men in my life, including my wonderful husband, who have assured me time and again that I am “pretty,” “beautiful,” “gorgeous,” even “sexy” and “hot.” As much as I longed to hear those words from a man, I always uncomfortably wondered if they needed glasses or a psychiatrist, or suspected them of toying with me, laughing behind my back. What any of them saw in me—or believed they saw in me—I can’t imagine. I still look in the mirror each day and see the same plain face, plain hair and spectacled eyes tat have stared back at me since sixth grade. Sure, the baby fat is gone, and a few laugh lines have taken up residence in the corners of my eyes, but it’s still the same face.
Now that I am older and somewhat wiser than I was in high school, having earned a Master’s degree and digested countless self-help books, I have at last begun to grudgingly accept who I am and what I am not. I have found a career that I want to pursue when the kids are older, and I’m trying to carve myself a niche in this world. For the most part, I have stopped trying to look like the popular models or movie stars who are currently “in vogue” and have begun to work on enhancing the qualities I do have rather than trying to create qualities I wish I had. Of course, everything my parents told me about looks not being as important as inner qualities and about in-crowd acceptance not guaranteeing happiness has proven true. And I have found that the key to inner happiness, as preached by countless psychiatrists, psychologists and other experts, does indeed lie in accepting myself for who I am.
Still, in the moments of weakness or self-pity that still erupt from time to time, I find myself thinking back to that favorite fairy tale and wondering what really happened beyond that particular happily-ever-after. Did the ugly-duckling-turned-beautiful-swan truly live happily ever after, or did he look back on those days of his ugly youth and feel that the ugly duckling of old still existed, just as I continue to see in the mirror the unattractive, unpopular girl who still lurks beneath this confident outer shell?
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Unfinished Business
I just read a post from a friend on Facebook saying that one of our friends from high school died today. Well, I can't exactly say that she was *my* friend; in fact, she and I couldn't stand each other. From 5th grade on, she and some of her friends picked on me almost incessantly. Most of it was the name-calling and nasty remarks typical of childhood and teenage days, but occasionally it escalated into threats, and once or twice it got physical. She lived the next street over from me, so she rode the same bus. More than once I wound up sitting towards the back of the bus on the way home, and I remember once she and one of her friends cornered me in the seat and wouldn't let me move towards the front. I thought about getting off a stop early, but she told me that if I did, she would get off too, follow me home, and beat me up. I didn't know if she really would have or not, but the threat scared me enough that I decided not to push my luck.
I don't remember what year she dropped out of school, but I really didn't hear much from her or about her after that. I did run into her at a yard sale some time after she left school. She was holding her newborn daughter and talking to the woman who was holding the yard sale. I thought about making a quick exit, but I decided against it and browsed around till she was done talking to the homeowner. For whatever reason, I then went over and uttered a tentative, "Hi, Christine," fully expecting her to make a nasty remark as she had so many times in the past. I was completely taken aback when she gave me a sheepish smile and said, "Hi" back to me. In fact, I was so taken aback that I couldn't think of anything else to say. I admired her baby, smiled at her again, and left. That was the last time I saw her.
Fast forward 20+ years to today, when I saw this friend's post on Facebook. I can't say that Christine hasn't crossed my mind at all since then--I have thought about her from time to tiime--but I certainly don't have pleasant memories of her. So why, when I read this post, did I suddenly dissolve in tears as though she had been a close companion?
Well, I think a lot of it may have to do with the stage of my life journey that I'm in right now. Since my last semester of seminary, I have spent a lot of time coming to terms with who I am and with the things that have happened in my past. I think for me, much of the issue has to do with forgiveness and with lost opportunities to put things right. I am still working thrugh issues and hurts from my parents, and I find that I am having to deal with not being able to work things out with them because they're both gone. While I feel that I have forgiven them for many of the things they said or did that hurt me, I realize that I will never have the chance to tell them how I felt, to clear the air.
Hearing about Christine's death today has made me realize that I still have unresolved issues, unfinished business, with others from my past, including people like Christine who made my life a living hell, whether for a short time or a long time. Maybe these folks didn't know that they had hurt me so deeply, or maybe they knew and didn't care. I've heard the old adage, "Forgive and Forget," but I must admit that this is something I have a hard time doing. People may think I have forgiven those who have hurt me, or they may think I'm not easily hurt, because I am not a confrontational person. I'm one who tries to swallow the hurt instead of dealing with it. I guess I try to forget without forgiving. The problem is, I don't actually forget the hurt. It may lie buried for awhile, but eventually it surfaces again, sometimes in unexpected times or situations. I can almost hear Dr. Phil asking, "How's that workin' for ya?" Well, Dr. Phil, it ain't workin' for me.
So where am I going with this rambling? Honestly, I'm not sure. I just know there's a lot of hurt rising to the top of my heart right now. I know I am realizing that I will never have the chance to say to Christine the things I wish I could have, things like, Why did you pick on me for all those years? Did you know, or care, that you were hurting me? Did you hate me, or was I just an easy target? If you did hate me, what did I do to make you hate me? I have to accept the fact that she cannot answer those questions now, and I just have to let that part of it go. And I know that she can't hear me say this, or read this on Facebook, but in order that I may heal from those past hurts, I need to say, "I forgive you, Christine. I release you, and I wish you peace. And if I ever did or said anything to hurt you, I hope that I have your forgiveness as well."
I am a firm believer in the idea that God uses the difficult experiences in our lives to help us learn and grow. So what I'm sensing the lesson is in this one, for me, is the fact that there are still people from my past with whom I have unfinished business. It may not be possible, or in some cases even advisable, to seek out these people and confront them. However, I do need to unbury those hurts from my past and be honest about my feelings regarding those hurts and the people who caused them so that I can work towards forgiveness and healing. Even more importantly, I am aware that I have some recent hurts caused by people with whom I still have the possibility of coming in contact. As is my way, I have tried to cut ties with these people and move ahead without actually confronting them. As in the past, or maybe even moreso now that I am aware of it, I am finding it hard to move on without resolving the issues, or at least making it clear how I feel about a given situation. Even as I write this, I have in mind some of the people I need to confront, and I don;t want to do it. But I know I must. My life is full of unfinished business--the business of the future--but I cannot tackle that business until I finish some business from the past.
I don't remember what year she dropped out of school, but I really didn't hear much from her or about her after that. I did run into her at a yard sale some time after she left school. She was holding her newborn daughter and talking to the woman who was holding the yard sale. I thought about making a quick exit, but I decided against it and browsed around till she was done talking to the homeowner. For whatever reason, I then went over and uttered a tentative, "Hi, Christine," fully expecting her to make a nasty remark as she had so many times in the past. I was completely taken aback when she gave me a sheepish smile and said, "Hi" back to me. In fact, I was so taken aback that I couldn't think of anything else to say. I admired her baby, smiled at her again, and left. That was the last time I saw her.
Fast forward 20+ years to today, when I saw this friend's post on Facebook. I can't say that Christine hasn't crossed my mind at all since then--I have thought about her from time to tiime--but I certainly don't have pleasant memories of her. So why, when I read this post, did I suddenly dissolve in tears as though she had been a close companion?
Well, I think a lot of it may have to do with the stage of my life journey that I'm in right now. Since my last semester of seminary, I have spent a lot of time coming to terms with who I am and with the things that have happened in my past. I think for me, much of the issue has to do with forgiveness and with lost opportunities to put things right. I am still working thrugh issues and hurts from my parents, and I find that I am having to deal with not being able to work things out with them because they're both gone. While I feel that I have forgiven them for many of the things they said or did that hurt me, I realize that I will never have the chance to tell them how I felt, to clear the air.
Hearing about Christine's death today has made me realize that I still have unresolved issues, unfinished business, with others from my past, including people like Christine who made my life a living hell, whether for a short time or a long time. Maybe these folks didn't know that they had hurt me so deeply, or maybe they knew and didn't care. I've heard the old adage, "Forgive and Forget," but I must admit that this is something I have a hard time doing. People may think I have forgiven those who have hurt me, or they may think I'm not easily hurt, because I am not a confrontational person. I'm one who tries to swallow the hurt instead of dealing with it. I guess I try to forget without forgiving. The problem is, I don't actually forget the hurt. It may lie buried for awhile, but eventually it surfaces again, sometimes in unexpected times or situations. I can almost hear Dr. Phil asking, "How's that workin' for ya?" Well, Dr. Phil, it ain't workin' for me.
So where am I going with this rambling? Honestly, I'm not sure. I just know there's a lot of hurt rising to the top of my heart right now. I know I am realizing that I will never have the chance to say to Christine the things I wish I could have, things like, Why did you pick on me for all those years? Did you know, or care, that you were hurting me? Did you hate me, or was I just an easy target? If you did hate me, what did I do to make you hate me? I have to accept the fact that she cannot answer those questions now, and I just have to let that part of it go. And I know that she can't hear me say this, or read this on Facebook, but in order that I may heal from those past hurts, I need to say, "I forgive you, Christine. I release you, and I wish you peace. And if I ever did or said anything to hurt you, I hope that I have your forgiveness as well."
I am a firm believer in the idea that God uses the difficult experiences in our lives to help us learn and grow. So what I'm sensing the lesson is in this one, for me, is the fact that there are still people from my past with whom I have unfinished business. It may not be possible, or in some cases even advisable, to seek out these people and confront them. However, I do need to unbury those hurts from my past and be honest about my feelings regarding those hurts and the people who caused them so that I can work towards forgiveness and healing. Even more importantly, I am aware that I have some recent hurts caused by people with whom I still have the possibility of coming in contact. As is my way, I have tried to cut ties with these people and move ahead without actually confronting them. As in the past, or maybe even moreso now that I am aware of it, I am finding it hard to move on without resolving the issues, or at least making it clear how I feel about a given situation. Even as I write this, I have in mind some of the people I need to confront, and I don;t want to do it. But I know I must. My life is full of unfinished business--the business of the future--but I cannot tackle that business until I finish some business from the past.
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